Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Erin's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, June 28th, 2009
8:46 pm	had a dream my cat cut her paw, the back left one. i was in a mall somewhere. lost track of my cat and when she came back her paw was wide open, leaving bloody paw prints on the lino floor. she was all thin and matted with a big gash on her head and it was clear i'd left her alone waaay too long. i picked her up and her eyes were closing tight the way animals' eyes sometimes close when they die but she kept screaming in the voice of a little kid. i ran around with her in my arms yelling for a phone but all these preppy girls working in clothing stores just stood there, talking noiselessly into phones, staring blankly at me and my screaming cat. in the waking world things aren't so good either. baaad, very baaad things happening inside my head. still it's only been that way for the past few days, and i have to remind myself it can stop anytime. like weather. only this is weather we haven't seen the likes of for nigh on ten years, folks! today i was thinking if i could send a message from my present self to myself at the age of 14, it'd be something along the lines of, "you think being a suicidal teen is bad? just wait till you're a mentally ill adult, you'll wish you killed yourself when you had the chance!" but that's only a feeling i get. my cat's fine. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 5th, 2009
3:53 am	update 4am, can't sleep. proud to say this is the first time in a month of unemployment that i've been awake at 4am. another point of pride, i'm making sure i know the date every day. friday june 5th. and so forth. so i've decided i'm gonna take a program in the fall to become a health care aide. 'sonly a couple grand, one semester. in the meantime i've completely overhauled the backyard; done some mowing, some weeding, took that whole half of the yard that was buried in used 2x4s and made a neat little woodpile against the fence, dug up the patches of long grass where pallets were rotting, put in a couple gardens, pruned all the hedges, overhauled the deck. and in exchange my awesome uncle landlord comped my rent this month. so that was sweet. still, the crazies have been nippin' at my heels again. always do when i ain't got no job, but i'm fighting it off with more praying and less drinking. little aside, ever since i started posting about my church angst, LJ's been giving me banner ads to MEET SEXY CHRISTIAN SINGLES ONLINE. the ads are exactly the same as the ones for meeting any sexy singles online, except in these ones the chesty little blond has a cross around her neck. i wanna meet whatever tammy faye-looking focus-on-the-family genius was behind that one. anyway, even with being awake at 4am watching the comedy network and fighting the crazies, my employed sister came out to check on me and wasn't even pissed off. just glanced around, said 'i just wanted to make sure you were laughing, not crying' and went back to bed. aaaw. getting fired, waiting around, dropping off the radar of people i was just starting to think of as friends- it'll all be worth it if it kicks my ass in the direction of finally becoming a nurse. i'm gonna be a good one too. darn tootin'. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
9:10 pm	so i got a new boss at work. we were able to tolerate eachother for about a week and a half. then she fired me, demoted all the supervisors and started hiring teenage gay guys. (i guess she thinks they'll worship her and defer to her awesome power.) for the record though, i did quit after she wrote me up twice in one day for a computer glitch she couldn't figure out. instead of listening to the supervisor who showed me where the problem was on the js report, she demoted her, wrote me up, tucked the issue away and then flipped her shit when i calmly asked if she was still looking for the real problem or if she thought the fault lay with me. she gave me a tyrade of "you are being so unfair right now" and "it's your till so it's your responsibility" and "ever since i got here you've done nothing but give me attitude". and i'd just been written up twice in one day, so it was pretty clear where she was headed with that. next time i saw her out front i said "i'm thinking tomorrow will be my last day." she was like "no problem", but then when the aforementioned superviser came in and we started talking (as visible from the cameras in Ms.Boss' office), she suddenly appeared at my till and said "cash out, you're going home now." wouldn't tell me why, just asked for my employee card and practically escorted me out of the building without a word. i'd been working there a good seven months. nuff of being bitter though. my old boss tarra left to manage a body shop that's going to be opening downtown in september. worse comes to worst and i can't find a job, i'll just move back home for the summer. work on my art, learn to drive, run around in the mountains...damn now i'm rooting for unemployment. *L* anyway kirk's gonna be here in a couple days so it's a good time to have nothing to do. i'm pretty impressed with my mood though; the week i got fired was also the week the plumbing at my house exploded and my grandma went into the hospital (i think the last time she was in the hospital was when she squeezed out my twin uncles). so i was fired, praying desperately for my grandma and couldn't even poo in my own house, and still i didn't have a despondent day until after a job interview gone bad. but lewis black fixed that and i'm back on the sunny side of the street again. who knew. i don't even recognize this person who's hi-ho-hi-hoing through the darkness. i kick some ass right now, i tells ya. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 12th, 2009
11:54 pm	FUCK. YES. saw lewis black in concert tonight on his dual citizenship tour. i almost pooed myself i laughed so hard. and after the show he signed autographs, so i lined up and got him to sign the back of my jacket like a jersey. which means i FINALLY MET A CELEBRITY, not like that fake mat hoffman bullshit. the whole interaction lasted as long as it took him to sign his name while i stood there trying not to pass out, but the experience was eternal and life-changing. i was wearing glasses, my hands were shaking and my hair was so matted down and side-parted i looked like win butler from arcade fire. i learned what sucks about looking one of your heroes in the eyes is that they look back at you, but luckily when i said "thank you" and scurried off he looked at me with this big grin like i was at least an adorable little nerd. so thank you mr.black, with just a sharpie and eleven seconds' time you took a $10 jacket from value village and made it priceless. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 4th, 2009
10:08 pm	i reeeached deez keeeds fuck yeah. i just gave the best damn art lesson anyone has ever given anyone EVER. i've been teaching art to this 15yr-old kid every week for the past three months or so, and today i broke the language barrier. seriously, he never spoke more than a few barely-audible monosyllables before, never indicated more than a half-assed interest in drawing, never treated our weekly sessions as anything more than yet another activity his conservative christian mother thought would be good for him. but today i got him drawing so hard he seemed to forget i was in the room, and when he was done he just talked and talked about music and art and dreams like a prisoner who hasn't seen visitors in a year. i am AMAZING. what he came up with was supposed to represent anger, but that was just a jumping off point. it was an iconic-looking guy with mouths for eyes and an open eye for a mouth. he had a horn on one side of his head and a hole on the other side with the brain exposed and a little demon perched on the edge of it looking down all hungrily. there were two little shoulder demons, sort of spy vs. spy 'cause one was white with black eyes and the other was black with white eyes (way better at showing duplicity and good vs. evil than an actual angel and demon). then on the chest there was heart split in half with an eye on it, again very iconic, and spear-like ribs reaching around outside the body towards it. the whole thing was "wreathed in flame" as they say in middle earth. he really didn't want to show his mom. i'm so proud of us, i can't even describe it. what else can i even say. i reeeeached dis keeeeed. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
4:51 pm	hot damn i'm living independently, working full time, got my very own art student, doing some yoga, and working on some serious aspirations for the immediate future and the rest of my life. i'll probably even start a compost pile today. things are none too shabby. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 27th, 2009
7:54 pm	after they've taken everything... sometimes you can walk home and it's snowing but you look up to where the gulls are circling and the sky is blue. your feet can be barely moving over the pavement and that can be okay because you don't feel your feet and your mouth is hanging open and you just sorta drift along through the snow drifting down and all the air smells like rain. the city below is dark and the sky above is blue, it's like you're in a pond or something, maybe a really slow-moving stream. there's pigeons talking in the train tunnels, the wind is a temperature you can't feel. and the snow falling is so pretty, so pretty, it just occurs to you that this is a beautiful moment what's happening right here. snowflakes snowflakes and sunshine oh there one lands on your nose, there's one on your neck. it's so pretty you could almost forgive everyone. oh for the pigeons in the train station. coo coo coo and your thoughts can be saying from a respectful distance oh thank you Jesus for little baby ducks and sweatin' to the oldies volumes 1, 2 & 4!" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
10:43 pm	beansprouts and little leaves... so i was supposed to hang out with fake mat hoffman today. gave him my number at work, told him i was free tuesday. he looked all stoked, said he'd call me, then he did, but all of a sudden he was being mat hoffman again. he had just sort of been himself for the past few times we ran into eachother, but i guess since we were officially hanging out he had this "oh shit she thinks i'm mat hoffman" crisis. and i was out of practice at pretending to believe him, kinda thought we were past the whole "i'm mat hoffman" thing, so it accidentally came through. later he panicked, called me back and said he had to help a friend do something. which was disappointing but cute. poor guy, i can't wait till i can tell him face to face it's okay to not be mat hoffman. instead i hung out with emily 'cause she's moving to australia in a week. i was like "we're going to the zoo!!" :D she was stoked to go, but an hour later regretfully told me she wouldn't have time. she felt so bad she bought me an ice cream. i was like, you're buying me ice cream because we couldn't go to the zoo. i feel five. so instead of the zoo, we hung around the mall and i forced myself through the necessary evil of buying clothes. (i needed clothes.) but first i had my ice cream and talked with emily. emily is where i go to report my spiritual progress. she's kind of my Xian hero; she's been working with immigrant at-risk youth (like child soldiers), she's moving to australia to work with aboriginal kids, she doesn't need to drink or get high or anything but she's still fun and awesome. what i had to report to her this time was kind of an amazing big deal. i don't know why or how exactly, but i made my first big steps in no longer hating humanity. it started when i wanted to quit my job for the sole reason that too many people knew me there. i was like fuck it, i'll go work at a gas station, be someone else and everyone here will forget me the second i'm gone. then my boss ran up and was like "we're putting your benefits through right now, you're not going anywhere are you?" and i was like fuck, i guess not. then i started thinking about adam. i realized when he left rehab, it was for exactly the same reason as i was about to leave planet. and i gave him so much shit for that, there was no way i could go ahead and do the same thing. suddenly there was just a lot of weird timing and signs telling me not to quit. i don't know. kirk called me and i just laid out the whole thing, how i didn't feel challenged by anyone, how i was so contemptuous of these city kids who think i'm the scary one, i'm the sullen antisocial bitch who makes people uncomfortable. i wanted to so badly to go back home, back to where everyone else is scary and hardcore and i'm the chirpy little church girl everyone's extra nice to because she tries so hard to keep people from stabbing eachother. then, sort of reluctantly, i told him i was getting the feeling that that's the challenge now, to exist around people who don't challenge me in any way-- and before i could even finish that thought he was like "IT IS!" which made me piss and moan and stomp around for a while, but i knew it was true. at work yesterday, for the first time ever probably, i looked at all the preps on whom me and my friends in high school wished righteous death, and treated them like fully-formed human beings equal to myself. the response was instantaneous. when i changed towards everyone in the store, everyone in the store changed towards me. suddenly they were cool. they opened up and talked to me, and the words coming out weren't just "meow meow meow meow". i don't understand how except that Jesus acted as a translator, because erin hutson is a girl who couldn't give a fuck about any of those assholes or any of the shallow bullshit they have to say. erin hutson is a girl whose only words for society en masse are "fuck all of you." i don't know, i don't really know anything about God except that he loves us, he wants us to love eachother, and he seems to have a thing for telling us to do the one thing we don't want to do. i definitly don't get the timing though. i've been praying through gritted teeth for months now to love people, and all of a sudden the results come over a weekend. not that i mind. i'm even kind of excited about not knowing, because it holds the prospect of learning more as i go. i can't believe i've actually been taught how to listen. i kind of feel like a better person, but only in the sense that being invited to live in a rich guy's house and use all his shit makes you a richer person. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 17th, 2009
7:25 pm	prayer of thanks to the Moon God and the Sun God, to the God of the ground and the electric air. thank you for my right hand and my left hand for my twin brother and my twin sister for the feral dogs of the boonies and the housecats of the cities for the wisdom of the East and the faith of the West thank you for my mouth and my asshole which can really only produce the same thing thank you for your light that clothes me which silently asks "do you see" and to which i can only answer "no." thank you thank you thank you for being and allowing me to be. Thank You Eternal God. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
3:54 am	halfway to having friends and now i totally don't want them. i truly am a goth kid. i miss my diana. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 3rd, 2009
6:53 pm	killing a lobster it's actually really complicated. i just assumed that when you smash an animal's head in with a hammer, it'll die. alas! not so with the ancient and mysterious lobster. in employing my zombie-hunter method of exacting quick and painless death (remove the head or destroy the brain), i just ended up with a really scared and entirely conscious lobster blindly flailing all ten legs away from where its head lay mushed on my cutting board. and i was just trying to be nice. fuck man. i grabbed the hammer again and aimed lower, midway down the thorax like you would with a crab, but even that didn't do it. poor brave soul stopped moving after a while and i thought it was all over...my friend brittany was in the corner screaming "KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT" this whole time btw, and helpfully keeping the cat out of the way when i screamed "GET THE CAT"...but anyway. the whole thing was a fucking abortion, and when i finally picked up this headless squirming suffering Christ of a crustacean, held him near the pot of boiling water, looked at what i'd done and what i was about to do...i pussed out. holding him up by the tail, watching the fluids drip out of his neck hole, willing myself to let go, i finally said "i can't do it." so brittany stepped in. "it's okay man. i'll do it." the next lobster we threw right in the fucking pot. i held both hands down on the lid, felt steam or death throes rattle the sides and said "sssshhhhhh." we waited in silence. after a long while i said "it's auschwitz in there." and brittany, with her nazi german ancestry, said "now you know how my great grandfather felt." all in all though, it was a lovely meal. i made garlic mashed potatoes and brittany mixed up some lemony-garlic butter sauce for dippin'. i said grace, thanking God for the two amazing little creatures he'd designed to be so indestructible, and asked him to make me a great killer someday, amen. brittany, with her methodist baptist upbringing, said "that was heartfelt." then we filled our bellies with lobster and wine. the end. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 29th, 2009
11:48 am	went to church today. the guest preacher was a messianic jew. kicked off the sermon with a "traditional" joke about a jewish mom getting her kid up for temple. he says "i'll give you two good reason why i'm not going: i don't like them, and they don't like me." how very, very appropriate. i don't know if i should change my ways or change churches. maybe it's PMS or maybe it's demons living in my stomach but i just hate those people. those little cliques of christian-college students looking like they never left gr.10, believing in what exactly? the Great Unscarred. we all sing together, and like always i remember Jesus' tears for his divided children, his heartbroken yearning to gather us all under his wings if only we were willing- but i'm not. we sing "i'll say when the death dew lies cold on my brow, if ever i loved thee, my Jesus 'tis now", and i mean it. but then we sing about mansions of glory in heaven and i'm just like, i don't even get to be alone when i'm dead? worse than that, i'll still be in the city? with these devoted christian kids who shop at the gap, drink starbucks and clench up when they pass a homeless guy downtown? i hope i go to the ghetto of heaven. i'll be spiritually ecstatic to worship God with aaron and sissy and adam and blaine all through the rooms of some run-down apartment building on baxter st., heaven. we'll shoot fireworks into the heaven forest all full of heaven eagles and heaven black bears, and it can piss heaven rain every day for all i care. i just can't deal with these suburbs anymore. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 26th, 2009
1:49 pm	just for the record because i haven't actually said it yet...i am bursting with gratitude and joy that i'm no longer a slave to pot. like oh man. i'm singing violent femmes right now. "i'm free-ee-ee, and i'm haa-aaa-ppy..i am free from all hatred, i have parted from the part that i participated in...so i'm free." BANJO SOLO!!! :D (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 23rd, 2009
8:37 pm	there IS, in fact, a spoon. i remember how confused i was the year the matrix came out. i remember how that confusion grew to outright bafflement the years after the matrix came out, when it just grew and grew in popularity. especially with christians. my baptist youth group was collectively batshit about the matrix. i just had to watch as that live-action comic book attained cult status. so it was deeply reassuring when gr.12 rolled around and kirk explained the whole thing to me. said something along the lines of, "yeah, the world as we know it is really an illusion. we've been contemplating that since we were seven." it never occurred to me that other people didn't. so that was the big deal about the matrix? "there is no spoon" just blew everyone's mind? i remember seeing my reflection in the living room window the winter i was 6. it's a really brief memory, just the half-moon image of my face and the feeling of my guts twisting and head splitting around a sudden indigestible Concept. grown-ups call it the "sense of self", but at six, the words for the feeling turning me inside out were "i'm me". it happened a lot actually. by gr.4, i was teaching myself to stop. think about anything else. keep the world around you where it belongs. so far nothing good had come from turning myself inside out. and people just play with this stuff. oh such thoughty thoughts we think. "there is no spoon", and then the Force launches you 18 million feet in the air. or lets make believe we're impervious to bullets. whatever you want man. dude. awesome. no spoon. just believe it, and you can do whatever you want. when i was 18 i met a guy who didn't believe in gravity, said it was just a mental limitation we inflict on ourselves. said flying was as simple as lifting one foot and then lifting the other. dude, AWESOME. i was in this guy's car last night, bombing down the highway around 2am. he's the type to regard the tangible world like it's just so elementary, like the most entry-level part of existence. he was doing 110 or 120km/hr down a straight stretch, so not a big deal except that his hands are just never on the wheel. he's packing a bowl, smoking a bowl, tapping the ash out the window, messing around on his Ipod or just sitting there driving, and this whole time his hands never touch the wheel of the car. we just keep going. i remember when i was 14, i used to look in the bathroom mirror and be consumed with this horrible feeling that i wasn't really there. finally i got pissed off enough to turn to the guy and say "are you TRYING to drive without your hands?" but he was listening to his Ipod so he didn't hear me. he went "jus' sec" and finished up whatever he was doing in his lap, then plucked out one ear bud and said "yeah?" it's still 2am and we're still bombing down the highway. i say to him, "would you mind keeping your hands on the wheel a bit more?" he smiles at me like a teacher, like i just said something really cute, and goes "don't worry about it." he's about to go back to what he's doing until i give him my very serious eyes and say "i AM worried about it." and he starts to twitch out. he's really, really anxious all of a sudden. everything about him starts to go shrill like his voice when he's saying "look don't CHANGE the energy in this CAR because-- look, I HAVE FAITH IN THE WIND ALRIGHT?" when my mom was 14, she found a way to help the world stop coming apart around her. she'd look at a wooden chair. or a wastebasket. she'd just look at it, and that kept her alive. because it was real. looking at the crazy fucker in the seat next to me and then at the pavement flying under the car, i mentally crossed "tuck & roll" off my list of options, 'cause i would definitely cave in my skull. then i said "well if your faith is in the wind maybe you should just pull over and let me out", even though i didn't think he'd do it. and he didn't, but he started to calm down. i don't know why, maybe he got the sense that i take my life very seriously. his panicky outrage peaked and rolled back down to a state of bemusement. looking more lucid, he said "i'm sorry, i didn't realize it offended you so much." and i said "it does." the thing is, he really believes that whether or not he's holding the wheel of the car has no bearing on what the car will do. when he smiled at me, it was brad pitt in fight club yelling at ed norton to "just let go". and i'm endlessly proud to have responded "FUCK you tyler durden. FUCK. YOU." just let go? don't worry about it? there is no spoon? i have held on too hard and for too long to this meat sack of a body with its fragile physical life and its skull full of blood-soaked grey tissue that won't stop choking on the words "i'm me". i am here because of wooden chairs and the endless, arduous physical and mental strain it's cost me to stay here. i know there is nothing more real than my skin-meat-and-bone head, and the pavement, and human hands controlling the wheel of a car. kurt vonnegut described the footprints of prehistoric man as the original printing press, saying over and over "i am here. i am here. i am here." so yeah. buddy there can be the wind, and i'll stay the mountains. it took me a while to get here and i am not so easily moved. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 22nd, 2009
10:38 am	WEE TODD DIT on friday night i went to a going away party for a kid from work. it was at one of those trendy downtown nightclub things, the kind with black walls covered in glow paint and trendy art, music so loud you can't even hear the person screaming in your ear. any loose clothing vibrates in time to the beat. i will never understand how falling drunk out of a place like that at 2am came to be The Ultimate for my generation. by then everyone's either fighting, crying, puking or fucking, and i've learned to be long gone. so i had my typical semi-annual club experience; hung around bored clinging to the only person there i could actually call a friend, got drunk because i wanted to leave but had already paid cover, danced my ass off until i couldn't dance no more and then wandered away sometime after midnight. missed the last train, got a cab home with some kid at the station. whole night probably cost me a hundred bucks. AWESOME. there's a reason i only do this twice a year. while i was there i stuck by brittany. she's this 18yr-old blond goddess i work with. if you ever want to be rendered invisible, just stand next to one of those. we've been hanging out a lot, which seems to perplex everyone at the store because she's so sweet and open and i'm more or less seen as a scary "don't talk to me" bitch. i think we're the only ones who know how much we have in common. anyway i was trying to babysit her at the bar like she'd asked me to 'cause bad things always happen somewhere between the fifth drink and on into the next twenty. but after that fifth drink there was no stopping her and i was ready to go home, so like always, i just kinda wandered off. next day at work i asked this girl jenna if she knew what kind of shenanigans brittany had got herself into. apparently she'd woken up in the grocery manager's bed. she's a virgin and everything, but it was still really bad because she would never even look at this guy sober and now she has to work with him. i always thought he was gay, turns out he's just asian. kept feeding her drinks and finally invited her over to play rock band. so we got through work, which was a nightmare all around, then went to white spot for grief counceling and hangover burgers. i was the grief counceler. brittany's like the little sister i never had. seriously though, she's 18, i need more friends. i was friends with my boss. she used to be this warm, huggy, vibrant woman, always giving hugs and laughing loud and calling all the cashiers ("her girls") baby girl. over the past couple months though, the light just kind of dimmed and finally went out and what's left, glowing just as bright and hot as her smile used to, is a firy pit of bitter hatred consuming anyone who gets near her. it's quite amazing. one day she'll have a face made of saudered iron, scanning the store with pissed-off eyes like an itchy war cannon looking for a target. next day she's a walking corpse, crying in her office the whole shift, emerging only to buy kale salad and allow us all to witness her suffering. i would be sympathetic, but i ran out of that a week ago. last sunday i had an out-of-the-blue anxiety attack at work. i managed to cash out and tell my supervisor i had to go before running out of the fucking building, but i didn't clear it with the manager on duty. when my boss found out what her favorite baby girl had done, she flipped out, screaming in front of everybody "i'm never letting erin go home early again!!" used to be i could do no wrong, but in that one moment i dropped off her pedestal and onto her shitlist, never to be forgiven. now she's at me like a cop, talking down to me like a drooling retard who can't be trusted with a pair of scissors or 15min to myself. which i'm used to, so whatever. it's just that she pretended to understand and pretended to even admire me until it happened, and then she responded exactly like everyone else. worse. despite her daily screaming/crying fits, she glares at me with mistrust half the time and hates me behind a big fake smile the other half. emerging to buy her organic salads, she came through my till looking super pissed-off, so i asked how she was doing. in a totally innocent voice she goes, "i don't know, i feel like i'm having an anxiety attack." God forbid anyone should suffer as much as tarra scott, but that won't stop her from trying every day to even out the score. i took down my post-it note art from her bulletin board and went to replace it with a cartoon i drew of a retarded guy in hospital clothes propped up on a crutch. it said, WEE TODD DIT I AM SOFA KING WEE TODD DIT but then i just threw it out. at the time i remember it being out of pity. but, once again, none of that left to give when she's hoarding so much for herself. it IS really challenging me to step up in forgiveness though. that's something i have to ask God for, 'cause i'm absolutely incapable of it on my own, and i've just seen what it looks like when a person lives completely without it. 'sides, what the hell else do i have going for me? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 14th, 2009
3:53 pm	if you know how much i hate disney... AND their adult fanbase... click mickey and imagine how happy this made me. waaaaaay too happy. "and when little girls' ginies tickle, I make MONEY!! haha!" as a side note, also drew my attention to purityrings.com. speaking as a 23yr-old Jesus-loving virgin-till-marriage, that shit is just wrong. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 1st, 2009
1:58 pm	why do i think i'm so much more human than everyone else? i done stepped on the little bean sprout. better go pray it back upright. i gotta go pray. 7:45pm: hey, it worked! *sproing* (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
1:26 am	anyway now my little "happy accident" cut is a week old, and healing nicely. i did indeed go right the hell back on my mood stabilizers, but in spite of that or because of it, weird stuff has still been happening. i had a manic episode at work on friday night, which was...just TOPS. if i could put that feeling in pill form, kids in the city would pay $10 a cap for it (kids in the sticks would have to pay $15 and snort it). seriously, i felt so druggy i started getting paranoid that someone had spiked my coffee. colours were brighter, sounds were clearer, everything looked super 3D, and customers were kind of giggling at how super-stoked i was to ring through their groceries. i drew something, called it "the birth of language" and ran around to everyone on till going "check it out, check it out IT LOOKS LIKE SOUND." everything was neon. i was inwardly exploding in a really good way. what undercut the high was the deeply unsettling knowledge that i HADN'T just dropped $40 on ecstasy so there must be something really wrong with my brain to make a grocery store on a friday night look trippier than fear & loathing. also i crashed an hour later and consequently wasted the whole buzz at work. it felt just like coming down off of anything i'd ever sent a friend off to buy for me. since then i've been tired. like seriously can't-get-out-of-bed-except-to-piss tired. i'm up writing this at 2am 'cause i've just sorta been up for random 5hr intervals, and thank God, i only have a half shift late tomorrow night. slept through my appointment with dr.terminator3 today. just as well, i didn't have the energy for her professional judgement today. anyway. more sleepies now. i'll update once frank tells me when this is all gonna end. *crash* (Comment on this)
Monday, February 2nd, 2009
6:34 pm	SO YEAH. update to the robot doctor's evil experiment and its tragic consequences for the crying buddha, who clearly had enough problems already. been on half my dose of mood stabilizers for not even a week now and barely had a chance to think "what's wrong with me lately" before i found myself drunk as fuck on the bathroom floor trying to stay conscious so i could tape my wrist back together. and after swearing up and down that any adjustments to my medication would in no way inconvenience my sister...well my sister is awoken at 3am by the sound of people screaming on tv (texas chainsaw massacre 4), gets out of bed and finds me bleeding my arm blood into the sink and going "dude, it was an accident." which it totally was, but it never would've happened if i wasn't drunk and carving up buddha with a steak knife. it's just not something i do sober unless i have a really good reason. anyway it's something i'd only do when i'm trying really really hard not to cut myself. so here's the scene. you're drunk in the dark watching a horror movie, and your arms are screaming "CUT ME". but instead you're channeling all that energy, focused and unrestrained into something you can't feel. instead you're sawing into an insensate piece of wood while actors wear human faces as masks and scream and kill eachother with chainsaws on tv, but you're just NUMB. and with the steak knife in your hand hacking deep and hard and meaningful the way you hack into a wooden effigy, you're not even thinking anymore and then you slash straight from the piece of wood down into your soft white arm holding it. and only then do you really clue into the difference between the two. so you can't really call that an accident, but you do for your sister's sake. and you go right the fuck back on your mood stabilizers the next day, because a week ago you were just starting to smile for no reason and sing church songs to yourself at work again. and as enlightened, spiritual and pharmaceutical as you are, you're just like, "let's not think about that right now." and SCENE. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:38 am	i didn't mean to i was cutting BUDDHA (2 Comments |Comment on this)